I

started out with a groovy 20-year-old Holden, “Hedley”, with a tachometer I pretended I knew all about and four on the floor. (which was much cooler than column back then.) Well, unbeknownst to my parents, as I hadn’t gotten brave enough to get a license, I really started out with my parent’s very large Leyland tank, they’d foolishly left parked at my place for a time. This thing was massive and I first used it to go into the city and a multi-story carpark. (No power steering back then.) The fact that the car ended up somewhat leaner after the carpark may have had something to do with my skill.

New car, new era

I’m pretty sure Hedley died after I went through a stop sign into a new Mercedes, once again without a license. So then it was hitchhiking until I could buy my next car. For some reason, Dad talked me out of the old fiat rally car I had my eye on and made a special trip to Perth to help me buy the fastback VW “Queenie”. She served me well; we encountered a few kangaroos and stationary objects, which may have aged her prematurely, but she was also an old car, so before she completely died and or I lost my license, I bought my first automatic to save on demerit points and fines. I decided to be sensible then. “Wilhelm” was a faded orange VW fastback, which I kept until I met Phil and inherited his even more sensible Mazda 6. I don’t think I pranged Wilhelm, but we did do quite a bit of ‘off road’ which I now realize may have also aged him a bit…. Looking back over my life, I reckon I’ve owned or commandeered 12 cars and worked them quite hard.

 

What’s the difference?

Imagine if, in your whole adult life, you could only have one motorized vehicle. I wonder if we would wait and save until we could buy a new one? I wonder if we’d take more time to do preparatory driving lessons and road skills? Would we settle for a car that was just going to get us to the next stage of life? Would we take really good care of it and never miss a tune up? Would we look beyond what was cool to what was practical? Obviously, it would make a massive impact on our choices.

Marriage differs to other intimate relationships in that we are looking to a lifetime commitment to a person when we make the choice. When I was young, my choice of a car had to do with image and fun. Maybe that’s what would drive our initial attraction to someone for intimacy. Many people go through many intimate relationships before, if ever,  they settle on one. It’s not irrational, because, like different cars for different stages of life, we can choose the one that fits the hour.

 

People are not stuff

The problem with this way of relating is that people are not stuff. Prov 6:26 says essentially that if we use people, we become and we treat others like a loaf of bread. (This verse applies to buying sex, but the heart attitude of ‘using another’ applies to many other attitudes in our relationships.) A sexual relationship is an exchange of intimacy, it’s not just the satisfying of a physical need. Betrayal in this area is a huge area of attack, making it a long and difficult road to restoration in the betrayed one.  People are not disposable, they are precious. People’s hearts are hurt when intimacy once had is broken, whether they see it or not. Terms like “once bitten, twice shy” and “So good to be single and free again!” are often just bitterness covered in syrup. Broken intimacy happens more in relationships than the divorce or separation statistics……many people in marriages and de-facto relationships, live together because it’s easier than not, it’s no longer love if it ever was.

 

Love is an act of the will despite circumstances

It’s easy to enter one intimate relationship after another, carrying the baggage from the old one with us into the new relationship. Sooner or later we all realize, what we really want is to be unconditionally loved. We won’t always look glorious, behave wonderfully, say the most generous and loving things or feel fabulous. When we marry, we are saying to the other “I’ll love you, and stick by you, no matter what our circumstances turn up”. Tough call, because the one sure thing in life is that difficult times will come. The flip side is though, that the person you marry, makes the same commitment. That’s a safe, peaceful place to live if you chose a person of integrity.

Set your mind on Good, that’s what’s real

Looking back, I can see how I treated some relationships as though they were ‘a car’ or some other disposable thing. I was also treated that way. If we want intimate relationships that last for life we invest deeply into looking after that relationship as though it was the only one you will have. You may be living in a relationship where you feel that your investment is not matched by your partner’s or vice versa That is very hard and there is no easy answer. I have found that I just focus on my own heart and keeping it right and listen to what I feel God’s saying in the situation. This always gets me out of a miserable place. Counselling may be indicated, but make sure you seek out someone with whom you connect in both values and understanding.

If I get sucked into thinking about Phil’s weakness or my weakness or the awfulness of the situation, it spirals down.( Philippians 4:8) I used to think that such a focus wasn’t  being negative, I was just being real. I now realise that I can be real and choose where and what I do with my mind. I’m not advocating denial of the negative stuff, just don’t park your car there.

Apply it, Own it

Consider

If you have a partner, consider the attitude you consistently carry toward them. Do you see it as a mutual ‘doing to others as you’d have them do to you’ or can you see areas of using and being used? If you don’t have a partner, consider what moves you toward an intimate relationship (those who have, consider what drew you). Take the time to upgrade your motivation if necessary or consider a protest if you’ve been on the receiving end of being constantly used.

Journal

Have you healed from past relationships? Even school-age intimate relationships will impact both parties. Take time to consider how you were motivated and treated the other person. Journal a letter you will never send expressing how you feel about those relationships.

Prayer

Use the letter to help you repent or forgive as necessary. Ask God for a deeper capacity to love generously in your current relationship, and to discern where to draw the line when it comes to being used.

Marriage: the ultimate possibility of intimacy