Why do we compare ourselves to others?: #5 of 12 Negative thinking styles 

I

‘m standing in the queue in the supermarket with 4 kids in tow; variously in, on and around the shopping trolley. The young  lady behind me is beautifully quaffed and dressed. I am not. She is quiet and peaceful it seems, and I’m hyper vigilant, making sure that this checkout process happens as  efficiently as possible. I imagine that she thinks Im a feral person who should never have brought that many children to the shops and is annoyed at the size of my well stocked trolley. Later when I meet this lady perchance, I find that she remembers the moment. She thought the children were beautiful and I seemed so happy. She and her husband were struggling to conceive, she’d been jealous of my ‘happy family’. Why do we compare ourselves with others?

Joining stars

Assumptions are a lazy way to make sense of what’s going on in our lives and the lives of others. It’s like joining dots that are as far away as the stars from each other! The resulting  unfair negative comparisons we make lead to us having a residual negative appraisal of both the person with whom we are relating and ourselves.

Distorted reality

Assumptions are based more on our insecurities than they are on facts. They reinforce our negative  fears and beliefs about ourselves and others. The resulting ‘reality’ we believe in and behave upon is distorted. When assumptions and unrealistic  comparisons are not challenged, we actually create problems and drama in our lives.

Weakness connects us

It seems to be a human weakness to compare ourselves with others by overvaluing others in our comparisons. We tend to compare our weaknesses with another’s strength. We don’t compare our good days/moment, we compare our failures or weak days w/moments with another’s good days/moments.  An unfair negative comparison that will neither empower change in our weakness or bless the one we’ve exalted.

Celebrate another’s strength

We forget that our weakness is indeed what connects us to the people around us. Comparisons are helpful if, when we see another’s strength, we can celebrate it, learn from it and enjoy it. We need to know that we all have different strengths and weaknesses which can lead to the wonder of an integrated society.

Recognising significance

When we see ourselves as a part of an integrated whole, we don’t need to assume, compare or compete, just simply  be our part as best we can. There is a good metaphor in 1Corinthians 12 which speaks of the ‘society’ of Church as the body of Christ. It explores the simplicity and joy of simply being who you are; albeit a foot, nose or shoulder.  When we assume and compare, it’s like the foot focussing on not being able to speak nearly as well as the mouth or the eye minimising its value compared to the ear and imagining that the ear would distain it.. Every part of the body is necessary and nothing is obsolete. Simply aligning our thinking with this truth enables us to rest easier in our own significance and recognise significance in others no matter what their strength and weakness.

Grounded identity 

If you  increasingly know who you are and your purpose in life, your sense of belonging and significance becomes your solid foundation and therefore you are less inclined unfair negative comparisons.  Read more on identity in this post. https://www.gooodgoodgod.com/me-myself-i/Connecting with our identity and focussing on being the best ‘me’ is our primary tool in how to stop comparing ourselves to others.  It’s also really helpful to connect with and appreciate the identities of others. It helps us relate and have realistic expectations.

Achieve your own PB

Its quite understandable that we look at others and wish we were them or had their lot. However, its a thinking style based in assumptions, unfair negative comparisons and fear. We have way more potential than we imagine. How we are and what we started with doesn’t determine your outcome at all. God is in the business of turning our weakness into strength. We trade our weakness for his strength (2 Corinthians 12:9)  His brilliant plan and purpose  are worked out, and we get to choose humility in strength, because we know where it came from. I started out as impatient, judgemental, harsh and verbally inclined to the ‘public crucifixion’ of an opponent. Im now increasingly patient, gracious, kind and an encourager by nature. This extrordinary  exchange was  empowered by God and so Im not so inclined to be arrogant about it, rather, Im grateful that I didn’t have to stay how I was.

Apply it, Own it

The unreal ideal will steal the real deal.