Transforming the Personalisation Problem:#9 Negative Thinking Styles 

Define Personalisation
Personalization occurs when we interpret the events and responses from our environment as being directly because of something we are responsible for, in a manner that is disproportionate to the reality.

Personalisation Robs Relationships
Our inquisitive children clustered at the front door as I opened it to a neighbour on probably our 2nd or 3rd meeting.  This time, however, curiousity got the better of one of them who interrupted to ask “Mummy, why is that lady so fat?” I forget how I avoided going there, but I certainly remember feeling terrible that my child made that comment. Pretty soon I was laughing rather than cringing so I didn’t need to avoid her in the future. If I had taken responsibility for that wee indiscretion, I think I would have kept my distance. Personalisation robs relationships. So how do you fare in the ‘blame stakes’?

Examples of Personalisation
• Unforecasted weather ruins a belonging and you feel annoyed with yourself for neglecting to bring it in prior.
• A text to a friend goes unanswered for an unusual amount of time, and you assume a recent conversation offended them.
• Your child makes a ‘childish’ quip and you feel completely embarrassed that somehow, you neglected their training and it’s your fault.
• Your mother, who live far away has a fall and ends up in a hospital and you castigate yourself for not being there when she needed you.
• A project your team has worked on at your employment has not met deadlines. You feel responsible for the ‘failure’ although you had done your fair share.

How we learn self blame
Sometimes this negative thinking style develops in eldest children who are made responsible for much more than the other siblings. Certain personalities are more prone to detailed self-examination which can lead to personalisation, especially if hypersensitivity to their possible ‘fault’ has been validated by a significant other. There’s even secondary gain to be had by “admitting all the blame”; it can get one out of possible confronting conflict and usually leads to people being more gracious in their response. “No, of course, it wasn’t your fault, Gosh, I should have remembered, I was home last.”

Personalisation is a pathway to self-punishment
Although we may know how we perhaps developed and perpetuate the personalisation problem, it remains a cognitive distortion and can never lead to wholeness. Personalisation is a pathway to self-punishment. It often leads to a person feeling an uneasy sense of guilt for they are not-sure-what most of the time. If rehearsed and validated, personalisation will lead to hopelessness and helplessness along with chronic guilt and shame.

Healthy Self-examination
It’s really helpful to have a time in your day that you devote to reflection. (more about developing such a practice in the next post) Self-Awareness and mindful appraisal of your circumstances and your responses will usually naturally lead to a desire to make adjustments to wholeness.

Spiritual Tools
To truly transform the personalisation problem, we will need spiritual tools. Your thinking emenates from beliefs and these are formed in the heart.  We will find multiple references in the bible to examining our thoughts and actions. Check out some of these. Psalm119:59; Lamentations 3:40; Luke 15:17-24. The common theme is discerning any wrongdoing, turning from it and realigning with the true and right way to think and behave. When this is done, there should be a fading sense of guilt and responsibility, that will eventually go completely if you keep yourself in alignment. Check out the “Apply it, Own it” section for more practical ways to address the personalisation problem with your Spirit as well as your mind.

Apply it, Own it

“My bad!” when it isn’t, becomes ‘your bad’.