Mind your mind:#1 negative thinking styles 

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here were three people waiting at the bus stop on a blustery wet morning. The bus they were going to catch, slows down, indicates that it is full, and drives on. It’s 15 minutes before the next bus and the first person becomes angry. Not only is it cold and wet, but when the bus pulled in, they all got a bit of road spray. He makes his first call to the bus company to make a complaint and was not at all happy with the attitude of the clerk who received his call. He then posts on social media his predicament and what he thinks of the bus company and in fact this city that hosts unseasonal weather. He calls his partner and has a rant about it. He shivers, paces and fumes. The second person begins to whimper. This is her first week of work and if she’s late, she figures she will likely lose her job. She begins to ruminate on all the mistakes she has made that week and how being late for work will just be another ‘nail in the coffin’. She is so distressed because she’d waited 6 months to get this job. She calls her mum and cries. The third person thinks “Awesome, 15 minutes is just enough time for a coffee.” He amuses himself in the café tracking the next bus on his GPS and wanders back across the road just in time to catch it.

My stuff: how I think, feel and behave

We’d all like to think we’d respond like the third person, but in reality, we would probably do a mix of a whole bunch of unhelpful thinking and end up at least a bit, dipping into negative thinking styles,  leading to  emotions or behaviours that we really didn’t need to host.  Somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind, we see a payoff for negativity. It could be control of others, or seeking approval, or grace from another. Our behaviours are affected by our beliefs and our beliefs are conceived in the mind. We all have beliefs that need an overhaul; often formed from a child’s perspective on the world.

Guard your heart as #1 priority

The next few posts will be devoted to exploring the more common of our negative thinking styles and how they affect our relationships. We need to take responsibility for how we think, feel and behave. Proverbs 4:23 tells us to make dealing with our hearts our most important responsibility. All of us are distracted differently from this imperative variously by circumstances or the interpretation we have of what is happening to us and people around us and our perceptions of an appropriate course of action in that.

Of course, becoming more self-aware and taking responsibility for our negative thinking styles is not an easy brief! We are all conditioned from our childhood to think in certain ways, we have personality bents, we have genetic factors and circumstantial leanings, as well as being human and prioritising self as a default. Although many of our thoughts and behaviours are self-sabotaging, we believe our reactions are  the appropriate response until we learn some self-awareness skills and join some dots.

Seek to be self-aware

I remember trying to wade through the slime of a community group split, endeavouring to help each ‘side’ find a place of peace in it all. After serving me with a torrent of accusation and harsh interpretation of ‘the others’, a man went on to explain that he is a very cruisy individual who just simply didn’t take offense! He was just making a stand for what is true!

It’s really easy to see this sort of anomaly in another, but doesn’t it take a good deal of humility to embrace the process of becoming self-aware? Have you heard of the Jahari window? This model developed back in the ‘50s, provided a tool to help people see the different  aspects of self: that which was known to them but hidden from others; that which was known to them and shared; that which was not known to self but seen by others and that which was unknown by all.(Except God but that wasn’t Jahari’s conclusion!)

There is a good deal to be gained from asking for reflection from a person you trust has your best at heart. (Proverbs 12:15) It is hard to hear some things because very few of us set out to develop negative thinking styles. Many times, we judge others by appearance but ourselves by our best intention. We are mortified that people have misunderstood us. Asking people who are generous of heart to reflect to you what you don’t seem to see, helps you become more self-aware. If you can see something, there’s a possibility to change and grow. Also, as you see your own weakness and shortcomings, it isn’t nearly as difficult to cut slack to another.

How about a ‘see’ change?

The overlooked window, as I see it, is the one that only God sees. (Hebrews 4:13) The human mind is amazing. It is technology way beyond our capacity to understand. In our own human way, we observe behaviour and patterns and draw some reasonable conclusions, however, even these are flawed. We simply only see from a human perspective. God made us, knows us and is more than happy to disclose stuff about us if we ask. His picture is like the difference in perspective of a mouse and an eagle. He sees us, in our time, in our universe. We see only what we sense and can try to figure out. The other great reason to ask God is that he totally has your back. He won’t gossip and he won’t lie. He won’t dump on you more than you can handle at the moment like some well-meaning friends might. God’s perspective is reality even when it doesn’t feel like it is.

I have conversations with God as you would a confidante. I can rant, manifest every emotion and bring my perspective and then, should I get over myself and listen, I find Holy Spirit very calmly takes me back through the whole thing; shedding light, sometimes validating, sometimes showing me flaws in my perspective but always calling me eventually to deal with my own heart. He wants me to live in the peace and joy of being able to manage myself which I get by doing what he shows me: often forgiving and loving despite a wrong done. If I’ve stuffed up, there is forgiveness and a pathway to stand again as I listen and follow his plan. Very often it’s a default of thinking that probably most people would have no idea about. I love it when he highlights  that because it’s protective, not exposing like many ‘truth bearers’ are. Yes, I’ve missed it at times because learning to listen to ‘God frequency’ can be interrupted by my own ‘emotional frequency’ but eventually, as I keep returning, I find a pathway of rightness and peace. God’s perspective is our key to re-alignment , as Isaiah 59:8-9 shows us, he simply sees the true picture and I only ever see in part.

Apply it, Own it

We see the tip of the iceberg, God knows how much it weighs!