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ho’s got the lollipop in this picture? The youngest.  It’s not hard to spot the older sister either is it? Birth order effects the manifestation of our personality, our expectations and behavioural ‘bents’. For example, although he may be an introverted and the weakest, the youngest child will learn how to work his position to get the lollipop.

In order to gain the most from any generalisation, we need to understand that there are so many factors affecting a possible response in a relationship and that there are many exceptions to generalisations.  Birth order is one factor in the mix of many that affect how we respond and react to one another. The following examples are an extrapolation of the common experience in specific birth order circumstances.

How birth order effects response: The Oldest Child
• He bathes in the undivided attention and delight of parents for a time, so tends to be confident.
• Parents are first-timers and may micromanage firstborns leading to perfectionistic traits. This can also lead to the child being very cautious and afraid of “doing it wrong.” It’s tempting for first-time parents to treat their child like an adult and offer too much choice too early. This can lead to undue anxiety.
• Often, subsequent children mean that firstborns are given more responsibility and are required variously to look after siblings, wait patiently for them, demonstrate skills, and naturally lead them. They often become both responsible and leaders in the community
• Parents generally spend the most time teaching and training firstborns and so they are often people who appreciate and generate structured approaches.
• Oldest Children can be very competitive.
• Firstborn girls especially tend to be very nurturing. Second-born, but the first daughter also often assumes a strong nurturing characteristic.

How birth order effects response: The Middle child in a family of 3
• Unwittingly the next child takes the lion’s share of attention from the older child and can, therefore, be the target of resentment from him.
• Often compare their capacity with the older child; constantly disappointed that they cant perform as well; not realising that their age is the main reason. Oldest children will often revel in their higher capacity and offer little compassion or grace.
• When a younger sibling arrives and they feel like they don’t have the privileges of oldest or youngest, the middle sibling can struggle with not feeling valuable. Often they feel that they are not heard and develop unhelpful ways to endeavour to be noticed.
• Middle children are often competitive but also possibly the most flexible. She will often be the negotiator and peacemaker
• Being accustomed to playing with people both older and younger may predispose the middle child to be a person who enjoys good friends and socialising.

How birth order effects response:  The Youngest Child
• Often has a positive expectation and is not given to being anxious. “Someone will sort it out.”
• Isn’t  moved by the need to compete, lead or have overt structure, but can and do when it ‘falls’ to them. They tend to be the most secure just as they are.
• Can have a sense of entitlement and be a bit passive when it comes to taking responsibility.
• Learn from others around them about how to avoid conflict and gain favour with parents/significant others. The youngest child often knows how to ‘work’ people.
• As parents are often under less financial pressure, the youngest child grows up with an expectation that a good deal of his wants, as well as his needs, will be met. This can cause resentment from older siblings who didn’t enjoy those benefits.

How birth order effects response: The Only Child
• Is often highly developed intellectually and has a confident expectation of their ability to do well.
• Can be entitled and not such a good team player.
• Are usually mature for their age as for the most part, they are relating to adults. For this reason, also, they can lack the spontaneity and fun-loving aspects of most children.
• Often are responsible and leaders.
• Rational and controlling.

How birth order effects response: Blended family structure
Considerable thought should be given to families who ‘blend’. It’s not usually a blend that happens well unless all the children are under the age of 5 and are thus more able to adapt to the new role they take. Family therapy is advised for the first couple of years of adjustment so that everyone is truly heard and understood.
• The hardest adjustment is for the eldest child who’s position is usurped by the step-sibling. They are possibly no longer the biggest, smartest, fastest and most doted upon. They can be bullied, and the adoring younger sibling may transfer their attention to the new kid in town. There will often be anger and jealousy which will manifest according to the child’s personality.
• The other real difficulty is that the attention of both parents that is shared amongst the children is now divided between a larger number of children and parents who are newly developing their own relationship. This can lead to insecurity in all family members which leads to a plethora of attention seeking behaviours.
• Children can be expected to adapt to and accept a whole new extended family. It is more difficult for children of divorced couples to trust ‘new family’. Time, generousity and faithfulness need to be demonstrated.

How birth order effects response: Sole parent families
• Depending on the age the child loses one of their constant parents, the oldest son, with his mum, may assume the ‘father’ role. Similarly, the oldest daughter assumes the mothering role when she’s with her dad. This makes them mature early, but often they resent their lost childhood which will later manifest according to personality.
• The oldest child especially may feel the need to parent their parent. Youngest children may feel that they have to meet their parent’s emotional needs.
How birth order effects response: Larger families
• Oldest and youngest child characteristics are very noticeable. Older children gravitate to oldest child traits.
Middle child characteristics can apply to several children.Younger children display more of the youngest child traits. Children are all overtly or covertly competitive. There is not nearly as much time to be shared between each child, so each one develops their own way of getting attention. The youngest rarely misses out, as even if parents are busy, older siblings take care of her every request.
• Larger families are a society in themselves. Children learn to share, adapt, take their turn, understand others, conflict management and creativity quite naturally. However, without good leadership, “survival of the fittest” can come in to play as children try to sort out their own way.

amilies with one or more disabled/sick/absent children, the oldest child who is present and functioning optimally, may assumes the oldest child role. Families with twins may see competition between the two until one establishes dominance and the other assumes a younger child role.

Being mindful of how birth order effects response will empower parents to take corrective steps prophylactically. For example
For oldest children/only children.
• Talk to parents of families you admire and ask for tips.
• So much of their intellectual development doesn’t really matter as much as you feel it will. Focus more in early childhood, upon their spiritual and social development. For many years, it has been the case in some states in Switzerland, that children in the first 2 years of primary school can enrol at various ages, (4-8) according to their readiness, and be up to the required standard by the second year. Switzerland has enjoyed top-level educational standards; currently, it stands in the top ten by the time the child reaches the equivalent of yr 12 in Australia..
• Don’t let your child choose every little thing and don’t let them win all the time and get their own way too much. Rather, teach them to lose well and take turns. Choose non-competitive games. Don’t be too adult in your play; have some silly fun and go to their level more.
For middle children
• Take special care to notice them and give them attention. Validate them. Help them see what is valuable in them and constantly show them love in the way they need it. Listen to them.
• Explain that they aren’t as fast, smart, big etc because they are younger and that they will be the best they were created to be if they continue to be faithful to learn and grow with a positive attitude.
For youngest children
• Take care not to give them more than is good for them. They need to learn to earn and be responsible. Give them jobs to do and take the time to train them, not leaving it to elder siblings. Be careful to not buy into the manipulative way youngest children control; by blame, telling tales, whinging, being cute etc.
Scroll to Apply it, own it to see how you can apply the knowledge of how birth order effects response to yourself, others and God.

Got some queries to clear or ideas to float?

Feel free to scroll to the comments section at the bottom of the page

Apply it, Own it

Consider

Consider how birth order has affected your own relationships and responses especially to parents and siblings. Forgive perceived injustices. Consider building a new way to relate, working with your strengths and working on your weakness. For example, I was the 5th of 6 children. My older and younger sister were diligent, compliant, focused and ‘easy’. I was none of those things. I suspect I learned to be heard by developing a quick, loud, convincing response and accepting that notorious was better than insignificant…I was happy to rebel. In understanding this I’ve forgiven both sisters and my parents for perceived injustices and asked God to help me reset my identity to reject notoriety as valuable.

Consider

Consider your close family: your partner, children and parents. How has birth order affected the way they respond and relate? Do you need to reframe how you perceive and respond to them? What changes would be helpful?

Read

Read the story of Joseph and his siblings from about Genesis chapter 37-44. What aspects of birth order influence can you see? Did any of these siblings grow in wisdom and how did it affect their response/relationships?

Read

Consider your birth order and how it may have affected you and your relationship with your siblings. Very often adults need to forgive siblings/ parents for perceived injustices of birth order. What strengths and weaknesses have you identified arising from birth order.

Journal

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Prayer

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I’m the oldest; I make the rules.

Im in the middle; I’m the reason we have rules.

I’m the youngest; the rules don’t apply to me.

Author unknown