Why Moralizing demoralizes: #10 Negative Thinking Styles 

What is moralizing?

When one attempts to influence the behaviour of another or make comment or observation based upon a self-righteous sense of superior understanding, we moralize. Hands down all who practice this religiously?

Why moralize?This is one of the most insidious, manipulative and common modes

of controlling others. Moralizing relies on shoulds and musts; both implicit and explicit to influence others. A loving relationship is the highest form of motivation for inspiring a change in another’s behaviour, not a judgement in the form of moralizing. Consider Romans 2:4 for a biblical perspective.

Here are some of the assumptions that accompany the one who moralizes
1. That the moral perspective he holds is superior to another.2. That he would not be guilty of the same basic motivation.
3. That his opinion would influence the one with whom he is spea

king to partner with him to correct the one who it is aimed at.
People who moralize will often withdraw approval and relationshi

p from those who are the subject of their brunt and encourage others to do so. By virtue of the other person’s perceived moral failure, a disregard for their perspective in

any area is considered an acceptable response.

Not to demonise the one who moralizes…
It grieves me to see moralizing becoming modus operandi for som

e religious bodies, partners and parents…..it’s particularly prevalent amongst those who have a sense of social power over others. However, it’s equally grievous to hear the overgeneralization of many that religious people are the primary culprits of this negative thinking style. I know many more gracious people who practice faith than those of the moralizing ilk. Having said that, I would like to think th

at if we are humble enough, we all find ourselves in places of awakening where we

realise we have been unwittingly engaging in a negative thinking style and this post is by no means to demonise the one who moralizes! That would be demoralizing!

No-one wants to be controlled
Moralizing is closely related to and is a natural flow on from black and white thinking. See the previous post. People to whom the moralizing dialogue are directed commonly feel angry. They rightly feel judged, manipulated, maybe misunderstood, devalued and with no voice. (The moralizer will not want to know another perspective and will usually only listen with a view to defence and attack). This will lead to a breakdown in relationship and a best a passive-aggressive response;

no-one wants to be controlled.

Strong Moral objection is not the same as Moralizing
There is nothing wrong with speaking up for what you believe. At times it’s very important to protest or promote a certain value. Ironically, many of those who aim criticism at people who declare the values of their faith display disdain and moralizing behaviour. It’s important not to confuse moralizing with the idea of declaring and unashamedly holding to a strong moral pathway. The key to a wholesome declaration is to refuse to attack or take a prideful perspective about the opinions and values of another although they may differ profoundly.

More commonly, moralizing happens over trifling and everyday things. For example
• The boy who wears his hair long, messy or in his eyes
• The person who eats a lot of junk food and is overweight
• The mother who refuses to have her child immunised
• The person who is on unemployment benefits and smokes
• The dad who never goes to his son’s games

• The type of schooling to give your children

And indeed, hilariously, people can moralize over
• The way the toilet roll is placed
• The way others choose to drive

• The method of teeth brushing

• The manner food is served and eaten
It’s really about believing one has the moral high ground and then it can translate to just about anything. If we can construe something neutral to be “good” or “bad” then we indulge moralizing. In the example of making comment on the overweight person who eats junk food……it’s just not our place to do so unless they invite your opinion or seek help. A moralizing comment could be “Now there’s a walking heart attack waiting to happen. She is so stupid to keep eating like that when she must know it will kill her!” In the instance of the boy with the hair on his face, its ok to say something like “Hair in my face like that would be so annoying. I don’t think I could handle it no matter how cool it was.” It’s moralizing to say “What a ridiculous hair style. His mother should have it cut properly.”

“Ahaah! That’s just what he does”
That statement or thought is the default of the one who avoids looking into their own heart and dealing with the weakness there. Matthew 7:5 encourages us to deal with our own heart first. When we have, we are more able to help others and to be gracious with those who are struggling with something we have struggled with. Moralizing is a slippery weakness because it’s based on self-righteousness and pride. John 9:41 shows us Jesus attitude to the Pharisees who were masters of moralization. We cannot see because pride makes us blind.

To change a moralizing attitude will likely mean dealing with other negative thinking style defaults one has internalised. Change usually happens slowly as we realise new layers of the issue. Be patient with yourself or the one who has embarked on change, as we said at the beginning in Romans 2:4, it’s kindness, patience and the goodness of God that leads us gently toward the transformation we need In Christ. Check out “Appy it, Own it” for tips on how to embark on that change.

Apply it, Own it

Moralizing: we should, must, ought and have-to not do it!