Parent guilt: finding freedom  

Parent guilt happens

I don’t know of a parent who hasn’t succumbed at some stage to feeling guilty. (It’s usually pretty soon after we’ve held that perfect baby and quietly committed our souls to being the best parent we can be!) Parent guilt leads to anxiety, shame and a host of related negative thinking styles and beliefs if not dealt with thoroughly, so let’s sort it!

Conviction rather than Condemnation

Let me first define for you what guilt is from a Christian perspective. Conviction happens when a person realises they have sinned in thought or deed. If the person chooses to rationalise or deny the verity of the conviction, or if they are fearful of facing it for what it is (because of their associated beliefs), the conviction turns to guilt. If guilt is not recognised it leads either to the hardening of the heart so that a person is no longer as sensitive to conviction, or to shame. Shame is an intrusive feeling that pushes to occupy the persona and identity of a person while feeling guilt, albeit painful, is a feeling. Feelings are poor indicators of reality.

When is guilt ok?

It’s helpful to recognise the sneaky thought process that presents ‘guilty’ as “right’. There’s a notion of ‘fair guilt’ and ‘false guilt’ I prefer to use the terms “conviction” or “condemnation”. I don’t believe it’s necessary to park in the emotion of guilt for Christians. Psalm 32:5 shows us that forgiveness is not withheld from the humble heart that responds to conviction with a confession to God. If we respond to the conviction of guilt appropriately, there will be no need to feel guilty.

Every parent could upgrade

Let’s just be really clear that no human has ever been without fault in their parenting. If one wants to grow and change, they journey into discovery about God, themselves and others. As we find the truth, we translate it gradually into our lived experience. The savvy parent will be parenting with more knowledge, skill and wisdom with subsequent children.

Symptoms of parent guilt:-

  1. Being focused on how your child ‘presents’ to others. This evidences a focus on performance rather than relationship.
  2. Constantly comparing your perceived parenting weaknesses to another’s perceived strengths. This gives you a negative self-perspective.
  3. Instead of celebrating another’s parenting triumph, you find yourself feeling that you should also do what they’ve done or perhaps entertaining envious and malicious thoughts or choosing to gossip about the ‘tall poppy’.
  4. Focussing on being informed and current trends in parenting and implementing this rather than seeking the best for you, your values and your family, from God.
  5. Discovering a sense of shame that seems like it’s no longer a negative feeling but a dictate of your identity. This happens especially when guilt is not addressed appropriately.
  6. Utilising the help of retrospect to harshly judge yourself or your partner.
  7. Unresolved issues with your own parents manifesting in a similar attitude toward your children to the one you didn’t like! Or even a counter-reaction where you choose the opposite of your parent’s response. For example, a parent who laments poor boundaries with their children who has unresolved hurts around being regimentally trained as a child.

Steps to freedom from Parent Guilt

The issue for Christian parents is not ‘good parent’ or ‘bad parent’ but being sensitive to Holy Spirit’s conviction and responding appropriately by:

  1. Ecclesiastes 5:1-2 Hang around and explore the place of conviction to discover exactly what wasn’t ok about your parenting, and then how to do it with wisdom. Holy Spirit is phenomenally fair and kind. (Romans 2:4) He won’t treat you harshly as perhaps some significant others in your life may have done. Expect kindness, gentleness and patience from Him in the process of conviction. If you find your head beating you up, it’s not the Holy Spirit doing that! Human nature is so keen to not feel bad that it leads a person quickly to denial, rationalisation, premature or incomplete action or condemnation. It may hurt a little to humble yourself and admit guilt, but it’s a good pain; it leads to wholeness. John 16:8,
  2. Deciding to change. If you ‘sat with’ listening to Holy Spirit, you’ll know just what needs changing and a sense of how. Saying to yourself “oh man, I can do better than that” is not making a decision to choose differently next time you’re faced with a situation with the same root. Christians call that decision repentance. Matthew 3:8.
  3. Make amends. Making a genuine apology without a reprisal may be called for. Don’t say as you keep multitasking “April I’m sorry that I shouted at you, but if you’d done as I asked, I wouldn’t have needed to.” That says “I had a bit of bad but you are the baddest” to the child. An appropriate apology requires your full attention and the attention of the one to whom you apologise. “April, having thought about how I spoke to you, I really regret yelling. I want to be able to correct you kindly. Would you forgive me please.?” Restitution is the biblical term meaning to repay that which you took from another; making it better than before it was taken. Using this principle, you can ask God to help you make right that which through your neglect or action resulted in another’s loss; be it physical, psychological or social (Numbers 5:6-7)
  4. Receive Forgiveness. This is imperative for our healing and capacity to move toward change. 1John 1:9 teaches us that God will both forgive us completely and erase our guilt. This needs to be actively acknowledged and believed by faith to see our feelings change as our thoughts come into line with the truth of that.
  5. Ask for help. Firstly, from God in prayer as this acknowledges the grace required for us to accomplish that which we cannot achieve in our weakness. Secondly from trusted others near us. It’s good to ask others to keep us accountable and reflect to us about that which we’ve given them permission to speak into our lives. (Matthew 7:7-12) I’ve found that children tend not to exploit the invitation to respectfully remind a parent when they’ve made a mistake.

What if I just can’t shake it?

Although the process I’ve shared with you is simple, sometimes the parent guilt and shame rhetoric loops over and over in your head, and the feelings don’t get better, but worse. Believing a new truth is not natural, the old one feels comfortable and ‘right’. But just as those old boots feel comfortable but cause you to have sore feet, and the new ones take some adjusting to, so does a new way of thinking and believing. For more on freedom from shame check out the previous post shame on who? 

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Shame bullies a guilty soul into hiding

One woman suffered terribly from parent guilt and shame, years after she aborted her first child and came under conviction concerning it. Although she went through the appropriate steps, it found a root she believed. “I’m as bad as a murderer”,  “I’ll never be a good mother, I’m too selfish”, she inwardly believed. She didn’t seek help because of the shame. Consequently, she unconsciously invited circumstances that would ‘punish’ her. Shame bullies a guilty soul into hiding. Hiding is never God’s plan. He is light and brings light to all he is invited to illuminate. (Eph 5:13)

6. It was not until she actively wrote out the reality of the truth of the completeness of her forgiveness in Christ and identified the lies behind the ‘looping thoughts’, deliberately choosing not to partner with the condemnation that felt ‘right’, that she began to sense some freedom.

Speak the truth, not what feels like truth

Faith comes by hearing the truth of Christ. (Romans 10:17) If you don’t hear the truth, you can’t believe it. If all you hear is the “looping thoughts” of condemnation, guilt and shame, you will enter fear, not faith.

7. Listen to thoughts that partner with the truth about your forgiveness and the reality of your ‘clean slate’. Better still, talk to yourself and let your heart hear those truths over and over. Feelings are slow on, slow off. You won’t necessarily feel better straight away when you speak truth to yourself, but if you consistently do this, it will break the old thought patterns and build a new sense of identity in line with God’s plan for you.

If you find you are floundering in guilt and shame seek professional help. Go to a recommended counsellor; albeit psychologist or spiritual veteran. Sometimes we feel so ‘in’ our problem, we can’t see beyond it. A good counsellor will see, help you see, and lead you out in freedom’s direction.

Check out Apply it, Own it for more practical exercises to help you deal with Parent guilt. The principles apply to any relationship.

Got some queries to clear or ideas to float?

Feel free to scroll to the comments section at the bottom of the page

Apply it, Own it

Read

Read 2 Corinthians 7:8-11. Here Paul describes the process and desired outcome of conviction as he refers to a previous rebuke he needed to bring which led heart conviction in the church. Do you relate to this process in your own journey with conviction? Is there anything you need to change?

Consider

Consider 3 times you’ve felt parent guilt. Once recently, once within the last year, and once the oldest memory you have of parent guilt. Is there a theme repeated? Do you still feel a sting regarding these events or do you have peace?

Journal

Reflect on your process when you are convicted as a parent of wrongdoing or neglect.  You may find it helpful to journal the Consider section to discover this. Do you seek approval from others, rationalise, avoid, blame or allow condemnation to swallow you? Is there a default response you need to change?

Prayer

Holy Spirit is the one who convicts of sin. He does it with kindness, patience and clarity. Confess to him the areas he illuminates and seek his forgiveness,  Purposefully receive it. Thank him. Listen to him for his encouragement and pathway forward, Prayer is much more about listening than talking

Listen to, talk to self the truth….freedom follows