I got it from my Mama 

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or better or for worse, it’s quite possible you did! We have variously been rueful and joyful, thankful or frustrated when we see/hear our Mothers appearing in ourselves. It remains for most, I imagine, that what we have seen and acknowledged is learned from her is but the tip of the iceberg of our inheritance.

The blame game
In the process of actualizing, teenagers will often feel the need to blame and find fault with parents to justify their separation from them emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. Parents who recognize the stage and don’t try to control their child to conform to their perspective will usually have their children return in many or all of those areas to an adult place of acceptance. Very often, this doesn’t happen.

Mum’s paid a big price
There’s no denying that there is a massive sacrifice that goes on daily, on the part of a normal mother, so that her child’s needs are attended as best as she knows how. As the teen grows and begins to exert immature self control, letting go of the person you’ve invested in so much, for so long is really hard, no matter how circumspect a mother may be. If you are a Mother, you may have become fearful, indignant, frustrated, angry and felt rejected, wounded and abandoned in this process.

She helped me see
During one of my children’s courtships, I could see that I wasn’t doing well with the emotional side of the process and I did something I never thought I’d do. I engaged the services of a life coach. She helped me by asking me the questions I already knew, but somehow hadn’t asked myself. She helped me stay in focus about what really mattered bottom line in the tough times. She helped me to see, and deal with my own stuff, so I could save my energies for just that……instead of all the energy it took to host the negative emotions.

No ask, no answer
I also bumbled through actualising as a teenager, but I didn’t ask for help then because, hey! I pretty much knew more than most people! This normal developmental process necessarily requires teens to consider how they are separate and different to their parents. This often results in negative, immature judgments, that, if not upgraded as they grow up, can result in a breach of relationship and mutual negative beliefs between mothers and children that never change sufficiently to restore the relationship. Parents can assist healthy actualization by celebrating differences in the things that really don’t matter.

Heal the breach
Studies indicate that mothers and daughters very often repair the relationship when the daughters are in midlife. Sadly, Sons seem to be able to ‘move on’ from mum, roll their eyes and put up with her if necessary. Both of these scenarios are sad and unnecessary. It’s particularly difficult to heal a breach if a son or daughter’s partners have a judgemental attitude to the mother. We need to intentionally forgive and upgrade our relationship to ‘adult’ status; where unconditional honour is offered. Remember that honour is given to the position, more than the performance.  Respect comes from an experiential observance of character.

Reframe beliefs, own your stuff
Even if you get on well with your mother, it’s still worth reviewing some of the ‘inherited’ beliefs and misconceptions you’ve internalized from a child’s take on life with her. It’s best not to frame this around judgments, but rather beliefs. For example, instead of believing “My mother was very controlling so I became rebellious to cope.” You could choose a belief that owns your stuff but doesn’t judge the other like “I interpreted my Mother’s close supervision as control, and I chose to overtly rebel to try to communicate that I wanted to have some say in my life.” If you are careful to own your stuff, and not try and figure out others, you will focus your energy on initiating change in you, which is your healthy goal.

Apply it, Own it

She birthed you and/or brought you up. Thats a marvel of faithfulness right there.