Oh no! not the “terrible twos”

This was a term coined by people who’d had to contend with two-year-olds who had discovered he has strong emotions, he doesn’t always agree with you, and he will protest in whatever way he can to get his way! It’s not pretty but “terrible twos” is not a term I chose to use and I’m not being smug when I say I enjoyed those years although I had my moments of frustration like any mum.

I’d like to share some of the insights I learned as I journeyed through this era with my five children; many of these lessons cost me dearly as I learned by mistakes, so it would be my delight if some of you could learn this without having to make the same ones I did.

Can I put in a disclaimer here that I know that not all two-year-olds respond to the same training methods, especially if there is a genetic bent, or diagnosis physically or psychologically that takes them outside the norm. I believe the principles will be the same but you may have to be a bit creative to make them work for your child.

Start early

Your child didn’t wake up one day full of the feist and rebellion: a sudden ‘hulk like’ transformation into the “terrible twos.” The issues that two-year-olds need to master can begin to be addressed from age one. Observe when your child is clearly able to understand you. I found that I could be fairly sure by 8 months that my child knew what I was saying and would often respond to confirm that. Start training here. This is so important. If you leave the training until the child is articulate or is manifesting terrible two behaviours, you’re headed for a showdown…. which is ok, just harder.

Focus on Primary Values

Ultimately, to be a functioning adult; able to love and be loved, all people need to learn what they are responsible for and what they are not responsible for. I’d like to suggest that this is primarily to be responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. Parents are often unsure of their primary focus themselves and so attach value to and endeavour to address the behaviour rather than the principle behind it. Endeavour to journey toward addressing the issue that underlies the behaviour. Children understand the concept of attitude well before they become two-year-olds.

for example:-

  • The two-year-old screams or throws herself on the floor because you said “no” to something she wanted. The issue here is she is not so much that she is making an over the top ruckus, or hurting herself, but to learn to be taking responsibility for her emotions and your training will need to encourage this.
  • The two-year-old wants his porridge now and throws it off the table in disgust when he has to wait. The issue here is not so much the mess or the ungratefulness but could be more about learning that sometimes you need to wait for what you want and manage your emotions regarding that.
  • The two-year-old has a tantrum because a sibling has the toy he wanted. The issue here is not so much the upset other child involved or the ruckus but the need to take responsibility for his actions and training would take the course of demonstrating the need to be accountable for behaviours.

Emotional love makes you a sucker

Love needs to be tough and tender on a  two-year-old. Parents make excuses for their child for a variety of reasons:-

  • Sometimes she just can’t be bothered with the long way around that appropriate training of a two-year-old usually requires. We all get tired. Remember that consistency as a parent is one of your most powerful allies. If you respond consistently, learning is greatly enhanced. It ends up being the shortcut. I had 5 children in 8 years, trust me, I know most shortcuts.
  • Maybe he is embarrassed about the two-year old’s behaviour and wants to prevent further social embarrassment. He needs to normalise the behaviour but not tolerate it as ok or let it ride “this once”.
  • Perhaps she abdicates from dealing with it hoping her partner will deal with it. Two-year-olds need to see consistency not only from 1 parent but both and where possible all caregivers. Parenting is the job of two where possible. The stay home person should not have to shoulder the whole responsibility. We had a ‘finders keepers’ approach, where we dealt with the parenting issues as we came across them. That meant I did more than my husband as I was around the kids more, but he was careful to address what he saw and would gladly take the reins when I had moments where I didn’t trust myself to be beautiful if the offending child did one more thing or I was tired etc.
  • Maybe he is not sure that his two-year-old really understands him. It’s important to have observed for this much earlier and be assured in your heart that the child understands you before your child gets to 15 months if possible. Well before they are able to use words. Remember also that most of our communication is non-verbal. Ever seen a nine-month-old crawl over to the forbidden power point, look back and grin, waiting for you to confirm it won’t be ok?
  • Perhaps the two-year-old’s behaviour is simply mirroring what a parent has not dealt with in their own life. It’s important to look at how we manage ourselves. Can I delay gratification? How do I handle disappointment, embarrassment, fear, jealousy? These are the emotions that your child needs to learn to manage and you need to be able to train them.
  • She doesn’t think her two-year-old understands concepts pertaining to the heart. You know your child’s spirit is alive and well. Heart and attitude concepts are understood very early on. I have seen children able to choose to change attitude consistently at age 15 months. This is not to say that two-year-olds should or that you’ve failed if they don’t seem to get it. Its just that if you aim low, then the highest you can reach is low.

Whatever the reason, be aware that two-year-olds will work you to get what they want and the earlier they figure out that it won’t work, the quicker they get on with accepting the primary focus values.

You manage you, or you won’t manage them

One of your primary values needs to be to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. It’s not anybody’s fault necessarily that you think, feel and act in a negative manner about something. It’s not even bad to experience negativity in that way. However, to park there, justify negativity and seek validation to remain there will be self-destructive and transferable to your child. Journeying toward being responsible for what you think, feel and act and the attitude you hold is paramount to successful relationships with all others. No blaming, no shaming, no complaining is a good start:)

The hardest times to teach, train and love two-year-olds are when you are struggling to manage your own heart well. In these times, cut yourself some slack and focus first on your own heart. (Proverbs 4:23) Deal with whatever manifests in the two-year-old with empathy and consistency but use plenty of time out if he is just having “one of those days”. Use the TV to distract them for while. Whatever you have undealt with will overflow as a projection or in some way onto the people around you and two-year-olds are very receptive to emotion; positive or negative. If you possibly can, forget the list of to-dos for the day and get some space to process what you need to. When you really need to, if possible ask your partner or a caregiver to take the reins for a while to facilitate you getting your heart sorted. Watching a movie or having a treat will not deal with your heart.

Use the time in the car as you come home from work to get your heart sorted so that when you walk in the door you don’t bring your frustrations, fears, offences etc with you. Peaceful parents help families appreciate peace.

Challenges and helpful responses for two-year-olds

Inappropriate expression of emotion: Encourage appropriate choice.

Remember your primary focus. Give choice especially around choosing to make an appropriate expression of attitudes, feelings and behaviours developmentally appropriate for two-year-olds.  For example. “You sound frustrated. When you are frustrated you may use your words to tell me or you may stamp your feet and say grrrrrr, it will not be ok to throw things or yell or throw yourself on the floor or hit someone.” Once you’ve explained it, simplify it when you are reminding your two-year-old in the moment. For example “so its stamping and saying grrrr or using your words, what will you choose?” You will have your own list of age-appropriate expressions, you just need to make it clear what will be ok and what won’t be and what the consequence for choosing poorly will be and make sure it happens swiftly. Young children forget very quickly what just happened and so there needs to be a consequence that they associate with the inappropriate action asap. For example “You know it’s not ok to throw toys when you feel angry, you will need to sit over there for 3 minutes to calm down. Time it and release him on time reinforcing the value. (I’m not big on “separateness” in “time out” for two-year-olds who may not have figured out that they are truly separate from you. I’d suggest you stay with them in “time out” or have a public space to “time out” in.

Insistence on immediate gratification: Set clear boundaries in choice making

Learning about making choices involves being very clear about what your two-year-old has a choice about. Many parents make the mistake of giving too much choice too early about stuff that doesn’t really matter. Try taking back territory once a child believes he is entitled to it. I’ve read several studies that indicate that premature choice leads to anxiety in children. You are not being a bad parent to limit choice. On the contrary, you are helping them to internalise the truth that they can have what they need and some of what they want. It’s important that two-year-olds don’t believe the delusion that they are masters of all and may have what they want when they want it. Deliberately do not give on demand. Push out the time frame according to their capacity to handle it well and you will often need to say “no”. Empathise that you understand they aren’t happy with your decision and re-iterate your decision. eg “No, you have had 2 biscuits and that’s enough for now. You may have a piece of fruit or your drink. What would you like?” (Ensuing hissy fit). “I know you don’t like hearing me say ‘no’ to you but I’ve told you what you may choose; fruit or drink? If you continue to tantrum you will have “time out” with neither.” …..(continued ruckus) “Ok we are going to the other room now because no-one likes to hear that ruckus and bad attitude. We will be there for 3 minutes after you stop yelling”  When the child stops yelling let them know “Ok, the timer is on now” and release them appropriately. Trust the consistency of the action to train them. This is not the time for “Now Johnny” chats explaining why you gave him “time out”. People with activated emotion have the wrong part of the brain switched on for learning and two-year-olds are not capable of doing logic yet. Focus on keeping calm and consistent and they will learn the behaviour you expect. Don’t cave in on anything you said. For example, giving the child something else to eat when you offered fruit or a drink. If they ask again, it’s fruit or drink. If a tantrum happens again, do the process again. Some days that is all you seem to do. This is normal for a person committed to consistency in parenting. It doesn’t usually take days for them to get the message, but it often takes a day of repeated training. Don’t resent it. it’s their job to attempt to boss the household and your job to help them discover that they will not.

 

Wanting control: freedom and responsibility must be balanced.

Use a stoplight picture to assist you to communicate what things you are happy for your two-year-old always to choose, sometimes to choose and never to choose. The green is for them to choose the attitudes and actions they will take and the words they use. However, there are consequences for choices that they’ve been trained to refrain from and rewards for good choices. These do not have to be tangible. Encouragement is well received in two-year-olds.

The amber light is for the things that they may sometimes choose. Like what they wear, what they eat and whom they play with, but they need to have it made plain that the opportunity to choose here is a privilege, not a right and you use that as a training time; helping them discern helpful and not helpful choices. Sometimes I’ve allowed my two-year-olds to choose what they wore, mostly because of time constraints or appropriate attire required, I chose. I made it clear when they could and when they could not choose. I don’t believe these restrictions caused them to suffer a lack of capacity to choose in adulthood. An opportunity to choose is released to the child in accordance with their capacity to demonstrate responsibility to do it well. In this way, we set them up for success. Therefore, it’s often not best to predict when a child may choose a certain thing using age as a measure, as children mature at different rates.

The red light is for what they may never choose. This is anything that involves the control of others. They may not choose to take from, hurt, control, provoke or manipulate others. They may not choose that which others have a choice in for themselves. They may not speak disrespectfully. You will need to train two-year-olds to understand all this. However, don’t think that they are not capable of understanding the meaning of these concepts, they absolutely do.

I’ll just add in here, that pictures or visualisation often work better than words for two-year-olds. Role-playing the attitude or behaviour you are looking for is very helpful. It can also help to de-intensify a situation. Two-year-olds can usually be jollied out of an attitude (if they are not tired or sick) using acting, singing or silliness. If they hold the attitude despite the opportunity to change it, it will be a clue for training down the track a bit. Let them know that you see that they are working hard to hold a negative attitude and that’s not fun to be around and it’s not ok. Next year, you’ll be expecting them to change that.

Inappropriate expression of Protest.

I made the mistake as a young parent of perceiving protest as rebellion. I now realise that protest is important, it just needs to be expressed appropriately. Even two-year-olds can comprehend that a protest needs to be respectful and self-controlled.  “If you have something to protest, I’d like to you to do it in your calm voice. I dont like being yelled at.”  “Well then, I’d like you to sit over there and wait until you can find your calm voice and then I would like to listen.”

The time that is particularly difficult for two-year-olds is when they are not fully verbal but they are very tuned in to the emotions that are happening in them. You may need to teach them some sign language or expressions that will enable you to both understand what she is trying to express. Cut them some slack at this point as it would be difficult to feel so extremely and be unable to express what that was about. however, don’t wait till they grow out of it, find a way to facilitate the expression appropriately.

“But why?”

Two-year-olds don’t usually start with the questions, but they soon learn from older siblings that asking questions can wear down the resolve of a parent and so it’s worth giving it a crack. It may help you to know that two-year-olds are not developmentally responsive to logic. “Because I Mum/Dad knows whats best for you.” is absolutely ok at this age. In fact is it ok for quite some time. Children do not have a right to an explanation, but, in due course when they are developmentally able to process logic, parents need to make age-appropriate explanations. You’ll know when they understand logic as they will start using it themselves to explain things to you. There are enough imperatives as a parent without buying into the ‘rules of the age’ such as constantly offering choice and explanations.

Untrained at age two will haunt you at age 18

So many of the people I’ve counselled with borderline personality traits are people who suffered a lack of appropriate training during these early formative years. Although the issues seem not as pressing as they move into older childhood, with the onset of more freedoms, the lack of capacity to tolerate difficult emotions, an inability to delay gratification and a need to control others not themselves pervades their miserable worlds as they become emerging adults. They may protest loud and long at the time of the training, but discerning children will be thankful later on and you will enjoy the pleasure of relating to an adult who has internalised primary values in relationships if you persevere.

Remember the terrific two stuff

Two-year-olds are curious, funny to watch and listen to, so full of life and love of adventure. They are super cuddly and even the fiestiest kid looks like an angel when they sleep. Don’t you love how two-year-olds dance or get sooooo excited about small things …”ooooooohoooohoooo luckeeeeee”. I love how two-year-olds coach themselves out loud, warning themselves of the consequences as they go…… as they do a funny run through the house they’ll say “don’t run in the house with your boots on, you might fall!” Savour the precious moments you enjoy and don’t allow the teaching and training times to be framed as negative. It’s just life. You will reap what you sow, so sow well and enjoy great crops for many years to come.

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Apply it, Own it

Journal

Journal the issues you notice are being repeated with your two-year-old. Can you see the primary focus necessary in those situations? Journal in a brainstorm way, management strategies for likely situations. It’s amazing how helpful it is to be one jump ahead.

Read

Read Proverbs chapter 4. This is a Father instructing his son, while he was still really young. What are the primary focus areas outlined here? How can you adapt and adopt some of these into your own family? Starting early is the best way.

Consider

Consider the notion of training. What does it mean to you? Journal what you think would be involved with training. Read Proverbs 22:6 .  Have you been surprised or resentful of the level of effort training requires? Most of us have. Perhaps you could reframe it an imperative of Parenting. Maybe some of the things you thought were important in parenting are not. What do you need to let go of moving forward?

Consider

Consider the ‘cop outs’ outlined in paragraph “emotional love makes you a sucker”. Can you think of areas that you cop out from consistent parenting? Consider how you could problem solve in that area to be faithful to your child in discipline, training or teaching.

Prayer

I wonder if you were ever like a two-year-old for Father God? How did he treat you? He wouldn’t have changed his boundaries, he wouldn’t have said “yes” to everything you wanted; he loves you too much. Ask Him to change you, your heart and attitude to parenting to be like his. Talk to him about the day to day challenges and ask him for ideas. He was the first parent. He’s terribly clever at it.

Be clear and consistent as you teach and train to turn “terrible” into “terrific”