Challenging the Mother Challenge 

Mother challenge: Be a “good one.” The cop out and the condemnation.

This challenge is accepted by many and affects all mothers to varying degrees; no matter what your age, social status, culture or beliefs. What the heck is a “good mum”? It’s a constantly changing goalpost defined by everyone differently. it provides both a cop out and condemnation, according to the definition you accept. What is your definition based on? Consider these formative challenges to your capacity to be an excellent and confident mother rather than a ‘good’ one.

5 reasons for mother challenge in Western Culture

• #1 mother challenge is a lack of training and teaching. Most occupations in life provide training. In fact, it is deemed dubious practice in our western society to engage in employment that has no training or indeed ongoing learning provision. It would be unheard of to throw someone into the most important role they have ever had in life without any teaching or ongoing training; yet that is what happens for many mothers. The only teaching/training they have is what they’ve picked up by observation and their own research.
• #2 mother challenge is the conflict of Values and beliefs personal esteem/identity. Most societies, it would seem in this age, most highly value the capacity to have plenty of money, have an enviable image and have power and control. The highest paid jobs will normally include one or all of these factors. The humble carer, who looks after the poor, is not really thanked and is poorly paid and esteemed. The weak, poor, hurting, sick and inept are ascribed little value. Enter baby. The woman who once could take pride in a vocation, have a sense of valued image, have an income to control and give her a sense of empowerment, usually needs to let go of these things at least for a time. Along with that, instead of looking her best for work, she may be in survival mode: track pants, t-shirt and ponytail because time and care factor for the image comes in under sleep and keeping people alive. So for the woman who has unwittingly absorbed her cultures values and beliefs, her sense of her own loss of value and significance is potentially crippling.
• #3 mother challenge is perceptions around the long-term commitment of parenting. We live in a society of fast food in the fast lane. Would you normally be tempted to give up everything to look after someone completely dependent for a long time in the hope that it would be a good relationship eventually? Yeah Nah! In a world where delayed gratification is avoided, the rewards of parenting are not seen as a good return on the investment, hard to see and insufficient to inspire. Women who choose to have more than a few children are often viewed with a sort of pity.
• #4 mother challenge is a strong societal humanistic value system that pervades and prejudices against a Christian perspective. These rules for living that have overturned our social and educational systems have a semblance of logic and rightness, but create burdens for parents because they are based on concepts of rights, and human goodness. Parents are afraid of the harsh judgements of ‘religious humanists’ who don’t even know that they are! It’s the girl next door probably.
• #5 mother challenge is faith and focus. If you thought getting fit, losing weight, obtaining that next level training certificate was a big goal……how about partnering with creating and training a living, loving, giving, gracious, kind, patient, good, peaceful, humble, gentle, faith-filled, self-controlled, Jesus look-alike person. You’re going to need more than your 90 day goal formula.

Tailwind delusion

Ever been on a decent bike ride and felt somewhat pleased with the fitness you must have attained as you merrily pedal along. It’s not until you turn around to head back that you realise you’ve had a really strong tailwind augmenting your pace. The strong headwind makes your next 5 km feel like 15km! so it is when we unwittingly go along with the flow of our societal norms without intentionally holding them up to the Word for clarity. When you turn around and go the opposite way to the way the rest of the world seems to be going, it really feels like you are pushing uphill.

Did you realise how relentlessly you are being undermined in the ‘flow’ of the humanistic river we live in? Unless you learn to swim against the current,  you never ‘get over’ feeling on the edge of overwhelmed even when you’re enjoying your kids. It’s those covert beliefs, rules for living and accusations of our society that will have you in constant conflict if you are not mindful and intentional.

Action, not over-reaction

How often I see Christians who are challenged with accusation and ignorance, either counter challenge with similar tools or shut down. Follow Jesus’ example. He didn’t cave into intimidation but he didn’t react either. We see the Pharisees wanting to trick, trap and stone him, shut him down, gnash teeth, and ultimately plot to kill him. We don’t need to use evil tools for our perceived ‘truth’ defence. We see Jesus empowering seekers to find the truth and deflecting adversaries; in defence only of His Father and the kingdom, not for his ‘self’ sake. It’s not our job to bring down the enemy. Jesus already has. We simply partner with the Kingdom and deflect adversary for Kingdom’s sake.

Championing the Mother challenge: Be excellent, not “good”

I’ve got good news. You can truly live challenged but championing; in troubles but finding solutions/sitting patiently, unharmed by the trouble, awaiting Goodness to manifest. You can root out unhelpful and untrue beliefs you’ve unwittingly internalised and be truly changed within so that faith, hope and enjoyment characterise your parenting experience rather than fear, dissatisfaction, boredom, guilt and exhaustion!

My Mother Challenge

Big statement? Sure is and I’ve got a story to match. I hated kids as an older teen. Most of the ones my friends had just seemed to get in the way of us having fun. They were disobedient, cheeky, rude, demanding little ‘snots’ in my humble opinion. Of course, when I hypothetically finally had children in my later 30’s after my successful career was well sorted, I would have 1 or 2 well-behaved kids that wouldn’t be like that!

Enter unplanned pregnancy at age 22. If I was offered a choice of 6 months jail or a pregnancy I’d have chosen jail, but hey, here I was choosing to roll with my lot. As much as people told me that my ‘hormones’ would kick in and I’d get ‘clucky’, it didn’t happen. I had prepared for this baby with pragmatism. I was terrified that I’d be the worst and most selfish mother in the world! I’m pretty sure some other people around me were too!

I stopped smoking part way through the pregnancy on about my 500^th attempt. Still no joyful expectation, mostly fear. While the faithful support of family and friends kept me going, the books I’d read pretty much confirmed my fears.

When she was born, I loved my precious daughter but felt completely inept to parent well. If she cried, I’d put her in the car and go for a bumpy off-road drive which seemed to settle her or I’d drown out the noise with rock and roll turned up louder than her, and jump all around the room dancing with her, which also kinda worked but that was it. It wasn’t ‘bad parenting’, it was ignorant, survival tactics. I battled with my perception of what a ‘good mother’ should look like. Often I’d hear ‘bad mother’ in my head though  I lived doing my best. On reflection, it wasn’t so much what I did wrong, but my confidence and faith in the call and equipping to be the best mum I could be for my kids that was missing.

Pathways to excellence in parenting

One day when I was praying the Lord showed me a glimpse of the glory of Mothering. This began a process of me seeking and Him showing me pathways to excellence in parenting. He told me to study and treat it as though it was my doctorate and vocation and to seek him for answers in all the challenges I’d face along the way. I just needed to ask him, listen and do it. Simple, and for one as desperate as I, it was Hope.

So that was my practice. I prioritised time with Him and asked him everything parenting; from teaching and training to sickness, developmental issues and every family need. I went to classes on parenting and read books to gain more knowledge, but primarily He was the source of wisdom in each situation. Because I did this, I can honestly say, I loved every era of my 5 children’s childhood. I am not pretending I had no crummy days or seasons, but I truly loved having my kids around and partnering with them for fullness in life. I delighted in school holidays and our relationships as they grew. Please don’t see this as ‘schmarmy’ or a judgement on you if you don’t feel this way……..what I want it to be is inspiring; especially for those who like me felt inept, fearful and generally uneasy/guilty in the mother challenge.

Challenging the Mother challenge.

Let’s unpack the challenges identified above and learn something of the simplicity and wisdom of God in being optimal, happy mothers.

• #1 Mother challenge: Teaching and training. Interestingly, often the people who slip seamlessly into parenting are those who live in communities or families where everyone contributes to a child’s care. Older siblings who’ve been given fair responsibility and encouragement, often grow to be more confident as first-time parents. If you haven’t that training, you need to pursue teaching and training in an ongoing way.

1. Friends or family whose kids are just a bit older. Ask questions. Observe other parents and learn from those with good fruit.
2. Books and training videos/groups with a Christian perspective. Listen, learn and ‘spit out the pips’. Just because it’s the ‘latest’ parenting blah, doesn’t mean your family will adopt that.
3. Take everything to God. He doesn’t so much give you rules as principles that can be applied to a lot of things. Listen. Seek confirmation. Become sure it’s a pathway for you. Have faith that the one who created you knows how to make it work best. Step out and do it.
4. Don’t ask every person, because most people aim for ‘normal’ which is a ludicrously low bar for us. Having said that, holding your values, I found it helpful to read and listen to what was out there with a view to developing understanding and wisdom.

• #2 Mother Challenge: conflicting values and beliefs. This is the place where you will get to unpack why you believe what you believe. Human nature, negative/positive experiences, ignorance and pervasive cultural untruth form the basis of our beliefs unless we’ve upgraded them to come into line with revelation from God and his Word. Read Colossians 2:8

1. Study the word; especially that which pertains to family and relationships. Measure up your beliefs against that revelation and make changes.
2. Your personal prayer time provides an opportunity to express what you think and feel to God. Do that unqualified, even if you know it’s probably not right, and then listen for his response over the next while. He will show you where you had seen something as true, that wasn’t and will show you what reality is. Then ask him practically to help you change it.
3. Have the courage to do that which is your conviction despite what most others think. The ‘proof is in the pudding.’ However, don’t run off being weird on the basis of a dream or notion that seems unconventional. 2 Corinthians 13:1 talks about a principle of confirmation that seems wise to me. If you’re going to swim upstream, better learn something other than dog paddle.
4. Consider having psychological therapy (from an approved Christian therapist) or ministry from a group with a good reputation to help you root out and challenge unhelpful beliefs.

• #3 Mother challenge: embrace the character development. Did you know your ‘breif’ in short, as a Christian, is to become like Jesus: a person full of faith, hope and love and bursting with the fruit of having His Spirit living in you? So the goal of life is not to have money, image and power, and be ‘nice’ in the process but to have and to live God’s character in your relationships with Him, yourself and others. Who knows that children offer the most constant opportunities to grow character? Challenges to your patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control? Anyone had a challenge to their joy or peace? Or maybe their humility and capacity to show grace and forgive? Like at least hourly. If we see these challenges as ‘annoying’, ‘frustrating’, ‘exhausting’, ‘relentless’ or ‘demoralising’ we miss the point and the accompanying opportunity to grow in character. But don’t worry, you’ll have lots more opportunities to learn the same lesson. Suck it up, embrace it and grow. The earlier to do so, the more enjoyable the parenting process.
• #4 Mother challenge: Swim against the humanistic torrent with determination. Do you even know what humanism is? (Don’t confuse this with humanitarianism which has to do with unprejudiced assistance for other humans in need. Good stuff.) I suggest you check out what it is, because it underpins the tenets of our society. For whatever reason, maybe religion, our society has spat out Christian foundations and embraced humanistic thought which is counter Christ, though it presents with a semblance of goodness. http://www.aboundingjoy.com/humanism_chart.htm Here’s a site that has a list of the basics and why the difference matters. It’s important that you get a good grip on what you believe as a Christian and why, as this ultimately underpins your thoughts, feelings and actions.
• #5 Mother Challenge: Faith and Focus. How can you believe the best of a person who is constantly in your face with the opposite of what you’re believing for? Don’t be deceived ; the children who are less overt with their character challenges are still every bit as much in need of Christ and for you to believe for the Good stuff for them. I’ve found the only way to stay partnered with God is to ask him for a vision or an understanding of His identity and purpose for the child so that you can keep your faith, focus and words and actions in line with that. I’m still believing for the manifestation of various things I’ve been shown in prayer for my Children. I will not partner with believing that they are what they look like when their behaviour is not in line with who I’ve had revealed to me that they are. Call out that revealed identity constantly. I see Proverbs 22:6 in this light.

Press on to win the Prize

If you have a child, you have a calling to parent. It will always be your call. (Romans 11:29)  It’s a high call. God calls himself “Father”. That gives you some of an idea about the value He places on parenting. With that concept ringing in my ears, I can wear the role and call of “mother” with great honour and a sense of ultimate blessing and be reaching to be the best one I can be. This will overflow to many more than my biological children. It becomes a wonderful part of my persona.

Apply it, Own it

Don’t go with the flow, be the flow.  Jay-Z