Parenting three-year-olds: visiting wonderland 

Sometimes three-year-olds act as though they will never return from la-la land? How they love to create their fantasy and be free and fanciful. The three-year-olds developmental stage is one that is transitioning from intuitive to logical, from a place of egocentrism to a capacity to be able to conceptualise someone else’s perspective. Both gross and fine motor skills are improving at an incredible rate, both of which they celebrate with triumph.

Spiritual foundations

This is the age when children most wonderfully participate in matters relating to the Spiritual world because their capacity for faith is not ‘muddied’ by logic. Because of this, we need to be careful that we teach consistently and without hypocrisy, the concepts and values we hold. This is not the era for logical explanations, but simply to teach them to listen to their spirit and believe God’s best for them in every situation.

• Each family will have their own unique set of values, however, this is the age to introduce with intention the bottom-line values a child needs to internalise at this age. For the Christian parent, these could include:-

1. God loves me
2. God loves everyone
3. He wants me to love him
4. He wants me to love others
5. God is Good and He is love

This is the essence of Christ’s message in Mark 12:30-31. We teach and train these values in a manner congruent with developmental capacity. The best demonstration to a child of the nature of God is found in the parent. So we demonstrate that we love the three-year-old, we love their siblings, we love others and we love God. By this, they internalise the intuitive that God loves them and he desires them to love him and love others. It’s not usually until a child is much older that he will question God’s love for him, which is based on a logical sense of whether they feel they deserve being loved. If however, you’ve established a firm intuitive sense of sureness of these facts, their Spirit will affirm their status as a loved Child of God even if their logic is not persuaded.

Obedience is not a dirty word

We live in a world where perhaps the misuses of power at every level of governance has caused a humanistic outcry against simple obedience. People are increasingly required to ‘win over’ their constituents or employees with logical debate. Sadly, Parents buy into the notion that they must have their children’s consent to have them do as they are asked. For the Christian, this is not going to produce a lifestyle in the child that trusts and obeys God which is the lifestyle of peace we desire for them.

Jesus makes it clear in John 14:15 “If you love me, you will keep my commands”. This is not to be out of fear but because of gratefulness and faith that he who made us knows us, and directs us for the good of us and the bigger picture of his kingdom. This principle is further expounded in James 1:22-25 and is accompanied by a promise of blessing for those who do obey. That means it works out much better for you to be like a three-year-old and “just do it” rather than argue with God.

Monkey see monkey do.

Empowering a child to embrace obedience as a blessing of peace in this anxious world has a lot to do with how you are doing so yourself as a parent. Do they hear you complaining and arguing? Are you yielded and humble yourself? Do you resist and find fault with the authority figures around you or pray for them as we are exhorted to do? Do they see you forgiving, being generous, serving? Monkey see monkey do.

So Why do they say “why “so much?

Three-year-olds are known for asking lots of questions, but if you listen to the context of the asking, it may not always be for the seeking of information or logical explanation. “Why” will often be the response when asked to do something. “Because you love me and so you obey me” is a fine response. Explain things in a manner that is logical but also intuitive and very simple. “ We don’t take things from others when they are playing with them because we wouldn’t like it if it happened to us. So we do to others as we would like them to do to us.” These simple statements become consistent ‘mantras’ that can then be directed in an abbreviated way thus “remember? We treat others the way that we would like to be treated.”

Other common reasons for asking lots of questions are because the child wants your attention, or is stalling/distracting you because it’s worked before. Remember that in this stage of development, attention and focus is growing but is still pretty short. If you are given to logical explanations, she may have tuned you out long ago and is thinking of the next question she will ask. You will know when she is developing a genuine quest for knowledge as she will begin to explain things logically. Instead of answering each question, consider what she is seeking. Sometimes giving a child 5 minutes of undivided attention may ease the torrent of questions. Sometimes you need to call it out and say “that’s enough questions now”.  Sometimes you need to look at what she is wanting to distract you from…..did someone mention rest time?

Moralising isn’t helpful

Although we can have a high expectation of our three-year-old’s capacity to grasp simple, foundational Spiritual concepts, it’s important not to moralise. This can be tricky. For example, we know that stealing is taking something that doesn’t belong to me. A three-year-old may not get that concept. They are learning to differentiate between their own and another’s perspective. He may know intuitively that you don’t want him to take stuff from the shop, as you’ve told him he may not. However, he doesn’t yet understand the logic that it is because it doesn’t belong to him and is stealing. So although in this example we would need to address the issue, it would be more about disobeying that which he knows; Mum doesn’t want me to take stuff from the shop. If you begin to tell him he is naughty and deceitful for stealing, you will likely have a confused, angry child.

Work with Wonderland

Three-year-olds learn so much; physically, mentally and spiritually through play. Their capacity to play and concentrate on their own increases and their enjoyment of social times often increases at this age although they are often still very socially immature. Although children are learning and celebrating new physical skills, this age can be fraught with clumsiness as their eye to hand co-ordination improves. It is way too young to introduce competitiveness and I wouldn’t encourage joining any sports group. Just focus on lots of play. It is wonderful how the three-year-old will challenge himself just enough usually to gain confidence to learn new skills.

Singing and Silliness

Three-year-olds love to learn in song. Why do you think children’s television focuses so much on a song? In the song we have learned by repetition, we get visual concepts attached to words, we can act out that which we sing and most importantly we dance and have fun. Singing is a fun way to learn. Silliness is a world of pretending. No-one has to be anything, but can be anything in the silly land. It doesn’t rely on logic but on imagination. In silly play, we can be absolutely intentional about building into our child, but in a fun way. For example, I could dress up and introduce myself as “Mr bossy boots” and “today I’m going to be in charge of everyone and tell them what to do”. Of course, I’d make an obnoxious, silly character that I could later chat about in a quiet time, to help the child learn that bossy people aren’t fun to be around. Three-year-olds can understand that there is a time for silly and a time not to be silly, however, allow time to wind down after a “silly session” before bedtime. (If you add sugar with permission to be silly, you will probably get “stupid”, be aware.)

Storytime creates the themes for dreams

What a pity that storytime is often at the end of the day when we are at our most tired and least creative and wanting to skip 5 pages of the book at a time to ‘get it over with’ because we are desperate for a rest. If you have the oomph to do storytime well at bedtime, it’s a really great routine, and sometimes the parent who has not been at home looking after the child will have the freshness to do it better. However, if you are in an era where you are consistently depleted at your child’s bedtime, better to make story time before the afternoon rest, or in a quiet space you create in your day. Three-year-olds are sponges for the explicit and implicit messages contained in a story. They ‘see’ the pictures the story creates and have such a wonderful unbordered imagination. Their facial expressions often mirror the emotions depicted in the book and they fully enter in. What a joy and a delight to read or tell stories to a three-year-old. Finish your day with a theme of Goodness with the child. Whatever we consider last in our hearts often becomes the themes of our dreams. Also, storytime provides the closeness and intimacy a child looks forward to in a relationship with a parent. They feel satisfied and loved.

Routines are the canvas for creative expression

Being consistent in routine is a very important consideration for the three-year-old. As much as he may beg for extra stimulation, think twice about going hither and yon to many commitments. Three-year-olds work well on an established clock. Basic things like eating, sleeping, hygiene and play routines seem to provide a stable canvas for the three-year-old to explore the things that aren’t so concrete. If you are consistent, you are less likely to have a fight when you ask them to do that which they do each day. Many parents need to find a way to manage their own need for stimulation while maintaining a consistent lifestyle for the younger children. Routine is not supposed to be boring, but the ‘given’ that establishes what needs to be done, so that the creative stuff can have its place of expression. A life that is all about routine and doesn’t intentionally prioritise creativity will likely lead to depression and anxiety in the parent who has perhaps been dulled by the mundane of the routine to the point of not feeling able to be creative in finding her own God-given expression that delights.

Simply Three

The most wonderful gift the three-year-old brings to the family is simplicity. Maybe it is partially because they often refreshingly state their intuitive knowledge as fact. “Dad, you are the best dad in the whole wide world”. I love how they will still hide behind their hand, as though you can’t see them and squeal with triumph when they take their hand away and reveal their whereabouts. Isn’t it fun to watch that little girl very seriously ‘mother’ the younger ones and babies and insist that parents should have a baby now? A three-year-old child can be a very special time for Mums. Although the child may hang out to go with Dad and ’fight’ more with Mum, it is still Mum that is the ‘go to’ for nurture: which is deeply needed at this age. Stay home parents get to hear and enjoy all the incidental and hilarious perspectives that three-year-olds bring.  Practice wonderland with them…it’s quite fun!

Apply it, Own it

“I’m free!” cried the preacher in exultation! “I’m free and a half” whispered the little girl knowingly to her mum.