ersonality types arise from that aspect of your identity that is a relatively predictable, stable and organised set of psychological traits that influence how you respond to your environment. There are many different personality types identified through a variety of models: both simple and complex
It’s important to grow in self-awareness and understanding others to help us thrive in our relationships. Certain predictable patterns of behaviour enable us to manage and understand the people around us. This is one reason it is hard to relate to a person with a personality disorder as that which is reasonable and predictable gives way to a set of behaviours and responses they utilise to feel a sense of control. However, for most of us, a sense of the relatively predictable in the people around us provides us with an ease in relating and we are more empowered to make choices that are socially helpful. In this post, I’ll discuss a simple model of personality classification, in the hope it will whet your appetite to understand and learn more.
No ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’ personalities
Many people object to the notion of personality types as they see it as another pigeonhole to be lumped into; and there is a sense in which one can feel that they don’t quite fit, so it is irrelevant. It is important to see personality groupings only from the perspective of endeavouring to understand and accept ourselves and others increasingly. There is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ personality. We all have natural weakness and strengths. I like to see it as the wonder of our social connection. We can enjoy the different, learn from another’s strength, and help those who are weaker and would like the help. Many times I’ve been shocked at a person’s appraisal of their own personality. People don’t want to face their own reality, but the denial keeps them from more relevant meaningful relationships. As self awareness is the first step in the process of change, people who are unaware of their personality are less likely to adapt as well in relationships.
When you don’t understand that other personalities frame things differently to ourselves, you are more susceptible to taking offence and judging others, presumption and a lack of thoughtfulness in your relationships. So, read on!
Different needs, different perceptions
When we were first married, both really busy in the daytime, I would look forward to having an uninterrupted chat with my husband when we went to bed. Things of the heart that I felt needed to be shared or just to chat. Sometimes, when I would share something painful or difficult, I would find, to my chagrin, that the pregnant pause while I awaited response was not his careful contemplation of my meaningful meanderings, but that he had gone to sleep! How could someone who said they loved you go to sleep when you were sharing your heart? It wouldn’t matter how tired I was, if a person was sharing their heart with me, I could never have gone to sleep without first excusing myself and explaining that I was too tired to really engage. I imagined him to be uncaring about these things that mattered to me.
When we talked about it later, we realised that Phil doesn’t stay awake when he is lying down at night. His personality requires more sleep, which is easily achieved, simply by lying down. Rarely has he laid awake at night thinking, like I do. We now laugh about this ‘gift’. I call him a ‘baby doll’ because when he lays down, his eyes close and he’s ‘gone’ in a few seconds. By understanding this aspect of personality types, I was able to reframe how I perceived his behaviour and adjust my expectations of him.
Introvert and Extrovert
The most basic of classifications of personality types are that of the introvert and the extrovert. This classification has mostly to do with understanding a person’s relationship with external stimulation. The introverted person enjoys external stimulation but has a smaller appetite and a greater sensitivity to it. Thus if an introvert goes to a dinner party of 12 people or so, they are likely to be the great audience of the storyteller or engage in conversation they enjoy with one or two people. The extrovert tends to engage pro-actively in a social setting. Their presentation is usually more energetic and they look for feedback. They don’t play safe necessarily and don’t mind social challenges and taking the lead. Because the extravert can handle more external stimulation, they like the ‘vibe’ of music and multiple conversations and dynamics, where the introvert can find it all a bit exhausting. Hense, you may find that although both types enjoy the party, the introvert doesn’t need more stimulation and can retire earlier well satisfied.
Examples of personality types affecting life choices and relationships
This capacity for quality and quantity of stimulation is a very simple measure, but consider how it may affect your relationships. For example:-
• How you negotiate relating to partner and or children after work
• What types of hospitality you engage in and would like your partner to enjoy
• Managing your crying baby
• How long you can stay tuned in to a monotonous lecture
• What kind of exercise you enjoy
• What sort of holidays you prefer
• What colours you choose in clothing/house decoration
• Whether you choose stimulation drinks or not
• How you like to relate to God and the style of church family you gravitate toward.
Considering these few things alone then, in the light of relationships, we can see how profoundly our basic personality types must be considered to optimise how we relate.
• If my introverted partner needs a bit of quiet after a noisy office day before I ask them for help, maybe it would work best to encourage their recharge time in a quiet space, to facilitate optimum engagement later.
• If I love the big noisy party and my partner doesn’t, it can be something I do with other friends….. or this understanding can help us choose together what we’d both enjoy.
• The fact that the overstimulation of a crying baby really exhausts you or your partner needs to be considered in your management plan. Maybe you didn’t want to use a ‘soother’ but it’s a better compromise for where you’re at.
• Choosing a learning mode that suits your personality is imperative. Rarely is it a matter of intelligence that leads to a ‘drop out’. It’s important to understand how your personality (and your children’s) prefer to learn.
• Don’t go bungee jumping because someone else says it’s a ‘must’. If big stimulation isn’t important for you, do what you know refreshes and replenishes you. I love nature. Its still stimulation but it’s not always ‘thrilling’. Some prefer to read and go on a cruise where they don’t have to do a thing…..each to his own.
• As an extrovert, I am more consistent with exercise if I commit to meeting with others. I prefer exercise to happen as an outcome of having fun, like in team sports or hiking. My husband, an introvert, commits to the exercise that needs to be done and does it out of principle; whether he enjoys it or not.
• It’s usually the extrovert who chooses the bright colours and the introvert who enjoys neutrals. They actually find bright colours overstimulating.
• I may find a certain church style lacking in stimulation for my overall enjoyment, where another may find a style that suits me counters their need for quiet contemplation.
As you can see, many assumptions and presumptions can be made in relationships because of the simple difference of extraversion and introversion. If you understand this general need of the people in your life, you are likely to make better choices for harmonious relationships and judge yourself and others less.
To access some exercises to help you understand yourself and the people with whom you relate, scroll down to the Apply it, Own it section.
Apply it, Own it
Read from Genesis 25 onwards to see the lives of Jacob and Esau. What personality types did they have? What sort of weaknesses accompanied the personality types. what’s the difference between character and personality?
Journal the things you have observed about yourself and your need for stimulation. Write down the things you’ve observed about those around you and their apparent response to stimulation. How could it be helpful in your closest relationships to help facilitate what is needed…….especially with yourself.
Consider your relationship with God. How would your personality type effect the way you listen for him, worship, the culture of the church family you would enjoy. Consider how you may have moralised about personality or worship style.
Knowing that God made you and has known you from the womb may help you be more accepting of your personality. (Psalm 139:13) You were made on purpose. How have you judged yourself for not being “…….” enough? Hand to God your dissatisfaction with your personality and ask him to help you maximise your purpose built personality.
Personality weakness can be overcome with the Character of Christ in us. Our personality may naturally be shy, but we can by faith begin walking in His character which is motivated by Holy Spirit. Ask him to show you how and begin the journey.
Personality frames appetite